Mommy in Pegasus

James and I got married in May of 2010. I knew I was marrying a marine and I knew he wanted to be a pilot. I just had absolutely no clue what came with that title. What stress he would be under, what stress our marriage would be under and what stress I would be under as his wife. About a year after we got married we started our journey through flight school. We moved to Pensacola, Florida. I remember James’ first solo flight. He told me that he was going to fly “solo” the next day and I remember thinking oh cool…. kind of awesome but scary. I then asked him if his instructor was going to be in the aircraft with him and he said no babe… it’s a solo. Uhhh….. I don’t like that. That was the beginning of our flying journey!

After 3 years of training we were finally at our first permanent duty station. Marine Corps Base Kaneohe Bay! We are blessed to be a part of a wonderful squadron. Pegasus! The guys are close, the women are close and our children are close. Ohana seems to be the fitting term.

Our first year in Pegasus was great. James got a lot of flying time in and learned a lot as a pilot. He would fly often at night which brought a whole new worry to our lives. Having a new baby I would go to sleep early right after I knew he had taken off. James would usually get home around 12 to 1am and crawl into bed. After about a year and a half in the squadron, James deployed for 6 months to Darwin, Australia. That deployment was difficult but I am so thankful I went through it with my Pegasus family. I could not imagine going through our first deployment anywhere else. The spouses that went through that together worried together and shared the same insecurities.

Now that James is back home he is working on becoming a HAC (Helicopter Aircraft Commander). He passed his board and is very close to achieving that position. Explaining HAC a little further for my non military readers. Basically, James has been a co-pilot for the last 4 years. He cannot take the aircraft up without a HAC. After he becomes a HAC he will be the person ultimately responsible for the safe operation of the helicopter and he will have a co-pilot with him. (2 pilots per helicopter) This is probably the scariest part for me as a spouse. I am so proud of my husband and I know he is a great pilot but being the “guy in charge” comes with a lot of responsibility. Especially after the recent events of our squadron. I am so proud but so scared. I am scared for when my husband gets in that aircraft again and I am scared for when he takes control.

Reflecting back to that horrific night. January 14,2016

We were asleep and being 38 weeks pregnant I had to pee in the middle of the night. My phone was flashing and so I checked Facebook to see what the notification was. Someone we knew had messaged us asking if we were okay. Having no clue what he was talking about I scrolled through Facebook and soon saw the news of a helicopter crash off of North Shore. (Mainland always gets news before we do) At first I did not see what kind of helicopter crash it was just that it was military. I had a gut feeling that this was bad. Very bad. I woke James up and he panicked. He jumped out of bed and called the Squadron and by the sound of his fellow pilots voice he knew it was from our squadron. He asked this pilot if he needed to come into work and he said yes. (2:30am) James immediately started pacing back and forth. He grabbed his uniform, wallet and keys and was on his way out the door. I asked him to call me as soon as he heard anything. I did not hear from James for most of the day. All of the guys got called into work and they had to leave their phones so they could not release any information while information was arising. I did not understand this at the time and it made me angry. I now know the importance of that rule. Even though the guys knew who it was at work, a lot of the family members did not. They had not yet been notified. It would not have been fair to the wives of the pilots in those helicopters to find out after everyone else.

Meanwhile, the phone calls, text messages and Facebook posts came rolling in. I had no clue what to say. Mostly because I knew nothing. None of the spouses did. Around 6am I went over to my friend Audrey’s house. Her husband and James deployed together and she soon became one of my best friends. We understood each other and what our husbands were going through. We sat there while our boys played and we tried to narrow down who could have been on those two aircrafts. We were terrified for whose husband was on there. We wanted to call every spouse we knew in the squadron, asking if their husband was home or if they had heard from them. After a couple of hours we decided to head to base. Even though we knew we couldn't see our husbands we just wanted to be close to the squadron. Close to our military family. We went to the playground, Starbucks. you name it. We were trying to pass time until we could find out more information. I am so thankful I had her and other spouses to lean on and talk to during that time. Our husbands didn't come home until late that afternoon and we soon learned who was on the aircraft. Devastating. Husbands and fathers. Talented pilots and great friends.

Every single night we had Coast Guard briefs for our squadron only. We would all meet in the base chapel and hear the updated information the Coast Guard had to pass on from that day of searching. Everyone showed up, hopeful for good information. Any sign of survivors. Seeing the wives and their families grieve was heart breaking. I cannot describe the feeling of just sitting there with my husband while I looked at them. I felt so incredibly blessed and happy he was sitting next to me but also a feeling of guilt that I was lucky enough to have him there. A strange, strange feeling.

Almost two weeks later, we are all still grieving. The wives have bonded like no other. We can understand each other and what we are feeling. We can be a support to each other like no one else can. All of our husbands are going through the same feelings and we can be there for each other through that process.

I know it will be a long road ahead. The day our husbands start flying again will be a very difficult one. I have comfort in knowing that those women will be by my side and praying for him just as I will be praying for their husbands. We should not ask the question why these men were taken away so soon but rather thank God they were able to live this long and we were able to know them. God is good and as for me and my house, we are praising Him in the storm.

Please continue to pray for the Pegasus family!

Every single one of us will die. Most of us will get a funeral or memorial service. Only few will get one fitting for a hero. The weather was beautiful, the Ko'olau Mountains were clear and crisp and there was a light, cool breeze. Absolutely perfect! Here are a few pictures from the service.

"If the Army and the Navy

Ever look on Heaven’s scenes;

They will find the streets are guarded

By United States Marines."

(This photographer is amazing and she took beautiful pictures. Thank you Julie Thurston for capturing this moment for us.)

The memorial service was beautiful and a perfect way to honor our 12 Marines. Being two weeks away from having our second baby, I was exhausted. It was a day full of emotions and I am still recovering from it. I will forever remember the service and every single face I saw. I will always remember the tough, manly marines in tears. I will never forget my husband as he honored each marine by kneeling and praying. I am so thankful to be married to a man who is not afraid to show his emotions and who loves deeply like Christ. Which also reaffirms my beliefs that he will be such an incredible leader in his future of aviation.​​

Even though I am so scared for my husband to fly again I know that he has to. That is his job. After we lost 12 marines from our squadron we had a conversation. A serious, "should I stop flying?" conversation. Our immediate answer was YES. We were so blessed that James was not in that aircraft and we do not want that to ever happen. We never want to be in this situation. I never want to have to tell our boys that their daddy is not coming home. After really thinking and praying about it we both came to this answer- He MUST keep flying. The greatest way for our family to honor the sacrifice that those brave men paid is to continue to live life to the fullest. For James to fly and continue to study to be the best pilot possible and for me, a Mommy in Pegasus, to continue to support him with everything I have.

Seeing the pain that these spouses, parents and siblings have been going through is heart breaking. Rather than running, we want to dive in. We want this to never happen again. We want to take this experience and use it to help others to grow and learn from it. We already witness our squadron becoming tighter than ever before and it is a beautiful thing.

​​Semper Fidelis - Always Faithful

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.

Joshua 1:9

Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10